Just Eat

My Recovery Story and what I like to call, the Great Epiphany

(tw eating disorders, calories, weight, and just about everything food related)

I have spent quite some time rewriting different intro sentences to this topic, cycling between different ways to gently begin to explain what I went through, how I got through it, and where I am now because of it. Yet, even forming a topic sentence for discussing food and eating disorders has proved to be extremely difficult to put poetically and elegantly. Frankly, there is no way to delineate it rather than through putting it bluntly. So hi, I am Ayla, and I lost a LOT of weight in 2020. Lol.

I never thought I was fat, and I was never once ridiculed for my appearance or weight. I knew there was room for improvement in my diet and physical activity, and I still believe in encouraging people to build a healthier and more sustainable lifestyle. Consequently, in 8th grade, I decided to eat healthier, lose a few pounds, and all that good stuff. My weight loss started out very healthy. I ate more veggies, did some cardio, and began educating myself on health. I researched calories, exercises, meals, and naturally, found my "body inspiration". However, this path that started from an innocent place of wanting to tone up, quickly snowballed into an unhealthy obsession with my body and "being healthy."

Over time, I developed orthorexia and borderline anorexia. I would eat extremely low calorie meals, and out of guilt, work out constantly. If I had coffee, that meant no snacks for the rest of the day. If I had bread during breakfast, I couldn't eat bread during any other meal. If I snatched a grape from the fridge, I would begin to do jumping jacks in the kitchen to burn it off. I weighed myself after every meal, and if I was any heavier than I was that morning, I would work out, or even simply cry. The numbers of the scale being lower than the previous day would give me a rush of dopamine. I would lift my shirt and examine my stomach every time I walked past a reflection so often it became muscle memory. I would panic when my family wanted to go out to dinner or out for ice cream. My body was constantly restricted and could only take it so much before I would have a massive "cheat day", binging on every snack you could possibly imagine until the wee hours of the night, only to get up at 7 am the next morning and do 3 HIIT Youtube workouts because I felt guilty (this little restrict and binge cycle was my body's scientific survival tactic, in an attempt to find nutrients for my body). I gave up COUNTLESS foods as I deemed them "not healthy enough", and memorized the calories of every food like they were bible verses. I was THRILLED when I fit into a size 2 and the waistline was baggy on me. I lost my period, my growth was stunted, I could barely function, and I thought I was just being "healthy". I looked sickly, and I thought I looked amazing. I felt like I had total control over my health, when really my eating disorder was controlling me.

I was skin and bones, and I loved it.

Through the development of these habits, I felt my mental state deteriorate. Teachers and friends were worried about me, and honestly, I just ignored the concerns. I thought I looked great, and the worried, "eat a burger", and "you are too skinny" comments didn't phase me. Quite frankly, it fueled my eating disorders, as I viewed it as a victory. The timeline of my disordered eating is hard to put a particular start and end date on, but I would say it was around a year and a half to two years before I reached a point where I could say I was recovered. That "recovered moment" was four months ago. I began recovery by going to counseling with the absolute goat, Ms. Rimmer, who is the dean of students at my school. She gave me an eating disorder recovery book to read, and advised me to stop body checking, stop weighing myself, to forego calorie counting and to take each meal one at a time. So, I did just that.

I read through the book, which entailed amazing advice to help overcome my toxic mindset towards food. Honestly, the first big stepping stone was just admitting I had an eating disorder, because for so long I had played it off and denied I was struggling. I followed everything Ms. Rimmer told me to do, and kept journal updates of how my eating disorder was that day, as some days were worse than others. Over time, as anti climatic as it sounds, I felt my eating disorder slowly fade away. It was a long journey to reach a point where I felt recovered, and honestly I still have moments of struggle now. My eating disorder felt like home, it was comforting and I was convinced it kept me grounded. I was afraid to let go of it, I was afraid to lose control, and I was afraid to have to relearn how to live without it. Yet, when I kicked my eating disorder to the curb, I gained more freedom than I had previously. Through the months, I have built a healthy relationship with food. I make healthy decisions, eat my veggies, enjoy ice cream runs with my friends, and actually fuel my body. I have since started going to the gym and lifting weights, abandoning my cardio obsessed ways, and have gained a substantial amount of muscle. I have gained back nearly every pound I once lost, yet in healthier, more toned, muscular version of myself.

Yet, regardless of how my eating habits and activity levels had improved, I still found myself in a state of rebuilding my body confidence. I so missed that skinny version of Ayla I once was for so long. But, that skinny Ayla was unhealthy and unhappy. So, I have a higher body fat percentage than I used to, and the digits on the scale grew, but, who cares? Here, I will be really vulnerable with you all for a sec. I had a hard time loving my body again after gaining weight, and as much as I denied it, social media had a huge toll on how I viewed myself. I have rolls when I sit down. I have cellulite. I am self conscious of my thighs. I feel like my rib cage is ginormous. I think my lower abs are puffy and I could stand to lose some belly fat. I have awful hip dips. I was comparing these details of my body to my past self, other girls, and although I was continuing to eat normally I still was stuck in a rut of hating my body, and focusing on these minor details I wanted to fix.

I suppressed the thoughts mostly, but the faint voice of despise still spoke quietly in the back of my mind, until one day I just stopped it. I sat at my kitchen island, eating dinner, and thought "why do I care so much about how small my body is?" Think about that. Our bodies do wonderful things for us day in and day out, so if we are fueling it correctly, why does it matter how small it is. And food? Well food is just food, honestly. Food isn't just CALORIES, food is made to be enjoyed and to give our bodies energy and nutrients. Life is so much MORE than being SKINNY. Be strong instead. Rolls and cellulite are normal. My thighs that I was self conscious of literally can squat more than my body weight. My little pouch of belly fat is protecting my organs and my rib cage is shielding strong, healthy lungs. Our bodies are extremely cool, so its baffling how for so long I was captivated by a voice that told me to destroy it. I fully encourage everyone to be active and eat their greens, but everyone's body is different.

One of my favorite ever quotes says "Even if we all ate the same diet and did the same workouts our bodies would still look different". On top of that, we need to focus less on our outward appearance and more so our character. A body, is a body, but your character is WHO YOU ARE, so it is crucial to strive to improve it daily. I love my little tummy, and I love my hip dips. My body is beautiful and does so much for me. Truthfully, I would never in a million years go back to the body or mindset I had. I would rather be strong than have a thigh gap, and I would rather get french fries at midnight with my friends than lay at home with a purposefully starving belly. So please, just eat, because in the long run, it doesn't matter what size jeans you fit in. I love you all.

If you are struggling, have questions, or would like me to go more into detail about my recovery process, please reach out!