The Sun Will Rise in the Morning

a reminder to keep going

August 2020 had concluded the best summer of my life thus far, as I had built new friendships, went on various adventures day in and day out, and lived out my summer dreams. I felt genuinely happy, which I hadn't felt in a long time due to a less than adequate freshman year, quarantine, and stupid boy stuff that had plagued my mind for so many months before. I carried this cloud 9 joy with me everywhere, and used my summer high to form an optimistic outlook for my sophomore year of high school. I was sure that following my fantastical summer days was a school year full of miraculous friendships, events, and activities with little to no negativity whatsoever. I had zero doubts that a truly amazing movie like high school year awaited me, which you think I would know was extremely far fetched due to the crashing and burning of my freshman year. Nonetheless, I eagerly awaited the first day of school, knowing certainly it was going to be the best yet.

I was wrong.

Well, kinda.

Throughout the beginning months of my sophomore year, I felt sad, lonely, and purposeless. It was like I smacked face first into a brick wall that entailed losing friends, losing hope, and losing myself. I felt as if I had no one to talk to, no one who had my back, nothing to look forward to, and nothing to keep me going. On top of that, I didn't even know who I was anymore. My life felt like I was playing a part, like instead of being Ayla I was TRYING to be her. I ignored these feelings of turmoil because it was extremely unlike me. I had an expectation to live up to and a duty to fulfill as the happy, energetic, and enthusiastic girl. So, I buried these emotions deep down in the crevices of my being, and just reminded myself daily that everything was going to be okay and that I was being dramatic. I attempted to cope on my own by trying to overcome drama, gossip, and rumors that were thrown my way. I had no friends and no one to hang out with or confide in aside from my Mom. I was a target at my school among my peers and the staff. My mental battle with my eating disorder was not getting any better, and I felt miserable inside every day. I was never suicidal, and I was able to hold on to the fact that life would be better in the future, but nonetheless, arising at 6 am for school every morning and choking back tears as I walked through the halls became harder and harder. Issues from freshman year, quarantine, and new surfacing problems began to pile up and up and up until I just couldn't handle it. Yet, through it all, I continued to profess to myself that it was all going to be okay (which had it benefits and consequences... just keep reading).

It all came to the surface one day before volleyball practice as I walked into my moms classroom, began to bawl my eyes out, and confessed how I had been struggling.

I remember explaining it to my mom like this; lets say our personality and character were an art museum filled with intricate pieces of artwork, paintings, sculptures, you name it. These pieces made up who we are. In my "personality art museum" it felt as if every single art piece had disappeared and that every wall was empty. I simply didn't know who I was without "happiness". I began to see my school counselor and dean of students, who explained it perfectly. She said that I had spent so long convincing myself everything was going to be okay, that I never actually healed what had been broken. It was like getting stabbed with a knife over and over and rather than bandaging it, just looking at it and saying "Oh, it'll heal eventually" as it poured out blood. I began to journal, and had to legitimately learn how to let myself feel my emotions, confront issues, and truly get over things, rather than ignoring them. I found that I had depended on this one sided happy and hyper version of myself as a crutch so much so that I didn't even realize when it was authentic and when it became forced. The foundation of who I was was shaken. I had to rebuild myself from the ground up which was simply just a day by day process of having to heal what had once broken me. Now I can say more so than ever that I am the happiest and most myself I have ever been.

I discovered that where telling myself that everything would work itself out, I was hurt more than encouraged. Through doing this I neglected to care for myself and my emotions, but don't get it twisted, this mindset is not all that bad if applied properly. It is important to take the time to mentally work through conflict, sadness, anger, confrontation, and so on, but there is no harm in reminding yourself of all of the good that lies in the future, and in holding onto the fact that a bad day is just 24 hours. After all, the sun will rise in the morning. Ah there we go, the blog comes full circle.

Throughout my life, my mother had constantly shared this phrase, "the sun will rise in the morning". It is a staple piece of advice in our household and truthfully one that got me through many dark times. It is like saying, "Hey I know things are really tough right now, and you seem like you are stuck in some eternal night where everything just sucks, but I promise you the sun will rise in the morning." How beautiful is that. Thinking back to all the times I felt so hopeless and helpless, I am reminded that a lot of people get to that point and give up instead of persevering.

You cannot give up.

Life is such a beautiful thing. The sooner you realize it, the better life gets. Think about moments in your life that truly made you feel alive and how many more of those moments you will get to experience in the next however many years of your life. Picture tonight, you could be out living one of the best nights of your life or in your room, sad, refusing to let go of these emotions that cage you. Life is way too short dude. We must seize every moment we are given because it goes by in the blink of an eye, and I don't know about you, but I would much rather look back at a life full of laughter, late nights, and adventure than look back in regret wishing I could turn back time and do it all over again because I didn't take advantage of it.

Wanna know whats funny? After those first few months of sophomore year, indeed did follow some of the most amazing times of my life and the best school year yet.

Do not forget to heal yourself when things go wrong, but don't ever EVER give up. You have yet to meet so many people, experience so many things, try new foods, laugh at new jokes, and feel so truly happy that it simply isn't worth it to wallow in your dread. Remember, the sun will rise again in the morning.